My first Haiku

Here in bright sunny California
Lo behold these thundering menacing  advancing clouds
Alas none have any tears

Just 7 questions?

What am I doing?

There's rap shit in my ears.

Darn Black on my lips.

Cuppa with two extra shots; just to my liking.

Why am I writing?

Just to kill the pain.

Maybe to focus, something I need to regain.

Krav Maga that's the way I am fighting.

What am I really?

Looks like I am am just a show-off.

Flaunting my car, my moves, my laugh.

Don't remember when I last showed humility.

What do I need?

Everything!!! Really that is never an option.

The right answer; a long vacation.

Away from the negativity, from all my greed.

Why can't I sleep?

Now that's a real problem to address.

No more dreams, wow what a mess.

Faces from the past and present look in for a peep.

Why am I angry?

I got no big time issues.

Frustration, jealousy, sadness; don't need any tissues.

Mostly because I am always hungry.

Why am I stopping now?

A poem a day keeps my doctor away.

Any more will call for a shrink I can't afford to pay.

That's all I have for now; gotta go grab some chow.

Consumed

There is a fire inside,
I fan it more.
I can't put it out I tried,
Used every last bit of energy left in store.
Leaves my brain feeling so fried,
Every muscle aching and sore.
Told everyone it's ok but I lied,
My moral fiber, it tore.
Joking with friends seeing the funny side,
But every moment feels like forever more.
Trying to run but I can't seem to hide,
The fire has it's way; I am no more.

Where

Where is your freaking concentration?

What is wrong with you?

Why can't you let go?

Why is this goin south?

Why don't you get a life?

Why don't  you aim for something realistic?

Why are you so lost?

Where are you headed?

Dependencies/Addictions

Why do we keep doing that to ourselves. Create dependencies that we cannot sustain or fall prey to addictions that will take us to our graves.

Sensible as we are why is it that we are so needy too. Why don't we realize when something is too good to be true; then that's exactly what it is. No point pining or yearning for what is but a fleeting moment or a chance encounter.

Fleeting; temporary that's the keyword here. Why are these temporary moments the ones which create the most permanent of feelings. Well the sands of time shift and leave as little choice to us than they have on which side of the hourglass to stay in.

Still smiling

Still smiling how do we do it. What is the formula that causes me to smile in the face of everything....

Irreparable

When does one realise that a life is beyond repair? What are the next steps? Try to cut your losses and retreat or go down glory lane all guns ablaze. If only it were that simple. One does have to weigh so many factors. Counting their blessings... But what if one is too lazy to consider all factors and take a decision... Too many what ifs but isn't that a part of life. So is life really that irreparable? Guess more digging and soul searching is in order here...

Wtf

Hell deep down in the ditch
So much for decisions being weighed
Hell its like the flip of a switch
In the end it leaves you feeling played

Wtf

If only

If only badapadapapapap
Badapapapaap

If only I had something to say
Anything for the clouds to go away
If only we could go out and play
With the sun shining go out and make some hay

If only badapadapapapap
Badapapapaap

If only someone would listen to me
Break the shackles and come roam free
If only this green pasture that I see
We could roam unfettered and make merry

If only badapadapapapap
Badapapapaap

If only I had 25 mil to spend
No, that would drive me over the bend
If only fences were so easy to mend
Life the great leveller sets it's own trend

If only badapadapapapap
Badapapapaap

If only people would my transgressions forgive
Realize that there is a life we gotta live
If only I could stop this rhyme
Stop sliding on auto pilot deep into slime

Badapapapaap
Badapapapaap

In transit

Life is a constant transition. Never more evident than in my case. Even this post comes when I am in transition. From Bangalore to SFO. From familiar odors to new ones. From love to loneliness. From being misinformed to being empowered. From making the mistake of doubting my ability to at least wanting to regain my self esteem. I owe this post to myself.

Right now riding the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) :-)

Take care. Catch y'all later.

Love,
Sumod

Bug bites

Bitten by the bug

Hell no I am just plain simple bugged

Please don't read any further

What follows I admit is murder

Work of an idle dysfunctional brain; so stop

Unless you are looking for the proverbial devil's workshop

Processes and protocols all stacked up around me

Tip-toeing around it unless I wake up a sentry

If you are still with me then do pardon the spelling

Without auto-correct this task is too grueling

Hunger pangs early in the morning

Need loads of energy for some serious bench warming

This is exactly where I am getting totally stuck

Searching for the next line to rhyme with this muck

Life around me naah nothing much
Can't give up though life is such

Pills and pricks all around
My life coming hurtling to the ground

Many a heart broken
Damn roller coaster that runs on a token

106.1 KMEL plays my music
Broad smiles hide my pain from the public

Time to sign off from this rant
Against all odds I plan to be prevalent

Current mood

Main Karoo Toh Saala Character Dheela Hai...

That line says it all as I am getting ready to wind up my bachelor days. I am sure I will look back at these days of cheerful abandon, evenings of meaningless banter over tea n ahem.... and most definitely at those nights of full on masti... I might add to this post later but for today I guess this is all I have to say n that sums up my current mood...

Luv

Sumod

Turning 30

Yes I watched that movie. Did I like it... of course Gul looks fabulous. Come on apart from that man what else did I like... I just realized that 30 is upon me too (less than an year to go). Although it was a chick flick I could identify a lot with it. What have I done in the list of things to do:

1) Go to a high school of my choice - Check

2) Become a computer engineer - Check

3) Visit another country - Check

4) Visit another country on vacation - Check

......

La la la la what am I doing I hate checklists and I am just turning 30 not dying... oops gotta go am feeling hungry...

Back with an apple... like they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Speaking of doctors my health hasn't been the greatest ever. A trip to Chennai on work for a month didn't help either. Hot weather, boring food and the two Ls of my life liquor and laptop missing definitely took it's toll. Ok let's take another shot at making a list. This time of things that I am looking forward to doing in the next half (or less) of my life...

1) Getting married ... yes yes yes I am ready and not scared at all. actually looking forward to it. Now apart from my parents there is one more person whom I can trouble by being my wayward and irresponsible self... Oh ya that prospect totally thrills me. The girl I am marrying does read my blog so honey if you are reading this I love you but yes will trouble you a lot.

2) Going on a honeymoon - He he he he yes one of the many perks of getting married ;-)

3) Writing a book - I won't reveal the plot here don't worry

4) Travelling, travelling n more travelling - Love all new experiences

5) Opening a restro bar - Just remembered that i need to start saving up for that

I could go on and on so let us leave it at that for now... Now here is to a list of things that I wont (have) to do:

1) Get hair implants - Got a thick coat of hair (all over ;) don't believe me... I can prove it he he he he ) Even if I lose my hair I swear I will go for the bald with a French beard look

2) Wear attractive liengerie - Never needed it and will not if u get the flow ;-)

3) Tummy tuck - Need one but will never go for it

4) Quit my job - Whatever complains I have against them and whatever they have against me even out so I guess I am there till they get tired of me or I get tired of them :D go figure

Good now that I have broken in my new keyboard you guys are free to go. The apple has disappeared and big boys need more than an apple for lunch... Till later ppl

Luv

Sumod

P.S: If you did not get the liengerie bit then don't sweat it... Ignorance is bliss.

Why is it..

Why is it that I have craved for attention this long
Why do I seek approval
Why is it that I hate it even if one single person doesnt like me
I am not a nice guy
No not by any stretch of anyone's imagination
All that talk abt everyone is good.. All BS

I feel like boxing
Hitting someone till it hurts me
tea and biscoti,,, davidoff in front of me... but I dont yearn for a smoke anymore
Its been quite a while... I have some work but someone else is using the mainframe id...

I just watched vaaranam aayiram... rather long movie... sameera reddy in this movie makes me want to fall in love again... :D some dust on the screen of my toshiba... made it look like an extra full stop...eyes are closing but I have work... i might have pissed someone off with my deeds or maybe this person is just playing around... i do care coz i seek approval... lemme see what can be done... running low of battery... plugged it in... feeling really sleepy

gotta go bye.. later

Of profile pictures

Here I am,
The man who gazes at profile pictures,
In my room or in the middle of a traffic jam,
People standing in various postures.
I see them, some that i know
Some that I wanna forget
Some as I see, they seem to grow
Chuckle chuckle who is that midget
Is that you Tiny before you started to bloat
And who is the hot lady you have with you
Oh do tell her she looks good in that mink coat
The car in the background is that new?

Ah I see him, my best friend from childhood,
He used to be the big brother of the neighbourhood.
I see the scar from the crash etched deep in his face,
All traces of tenderness erased without a trace.
There she is, the long lost love of my life,
Now she is another man's wife.
I stare at another sepia picture.
Of the other girl I used to like,
So scarred, so scared I waited
I waited too long and she found Mike.
I look at all my buddies,
Counting the bleassings that I have.

Yesterday a picture changed,
The face remains the same the t-shirt seems new.
Yesterday a picture changed,
The face remains the same the attitude seems new.
Yesterday there was just one person,
Today's profile seems to have two.
Did you get married or is that your girlfriend,
Good to know that you've become a father of two.
The family pic that's on your profile,
There were 20 people yesterday now there are 22,
The family pic in his profile,
Today there are many tomorrow there could be few.

Jus browsing...

I was just browsing the net today and came across something fun. Don't all of us have a point to make, some of us on almost everything. Well that's the point of the site called "What's your point?". Find out how many people think the same way you do.

Pros: Very random, Good for those sleepy afternoons at work, Bright colors.

Cons: Can be addictive, Makes a little noise so turn down the volume, No boss protection.

I am EmeraldFoamBulldog and I think this website is cool, and that's my point.

Ha ha ha ha....

What a joke!!!!!!!! Yes I have the time to write... A hiatus of 6 months, alternating between a multitude/myriad/n to the power infinity of emotions, choose whichever what do they say... "makes your world go around". I'll be darned dashed and a blistering fool too if I say that I care about what you like.

Like someone I know says "Presentation is the name of the game". Write utter gibberish in bulleted points and watch 'em lap it up. So here goes my bulleted point outloook of the last six months(or should I call it the insider's scoop... get it insider's ha ha ha... what a joke... wait am I going around in circles... must be confused as usual... and why am I still writing within the brackets). Oh and by the way I dont care if you are still reading. I am WELL and truly beyond that friggin point. "Ohhh Sumod you just abused. This is not correct. Such a bad thing you know.".. Bugger off arsehole!!!

Yeh hain amrika meri jaan...
-----------------------------

Excited... yo baby... amrika here I come. Fast life, gori mems and dollar mein kamayee. That's what I was thinking all the way to the airport... the exact same waves of pleasure were swimming in my head, in slow motion of-course, two sparkling waters down at 10,000 feet in the air (Isn't that how high airplanes get... HIGH har har har get it HIGH... God I am killing myself with my jokes).

Work work work....
-------------------

Of course I had conveniently forgotten that there was something called work that needed to be done. RFA230 came back to haunt me. I will not explain what that is... those who know that this is the "longest and most excruciating project ever" just know it as a fact of life and the rest of you are better off not knowing what I just told you.

Beep... beep... beep... there I just deleted a whole lot of lines about a load of stuff related to work. Work issues - sometimes you face them but most of the times you create them. I am sure all of my employed friends know this and those of you who got fired this weekend you might just have to rethink your strategies. Oh and I am broke so I can't lend you those 500 dollars ($$$ dhik $$$ chik) that you had promised your gori girlfriend, so dont bother to call before you find a new job. Leave a voice mail when that happens will ya...

You get some you give a lot.
----------------------------

One thing I promise however is that I will never EVER EVER again in my life TAKE SHIT from anyone. I had promised myself the same thing earlier but sometimes one gets overwhelmed by the situation (obligation???) and tends to break promises made to oneself. So as an imposition:

I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again
I promise I will never take shit from anyone again.....

I hope you don't believe that I typed it out so many times. Naaah you don't need to teach a S/W engineer how to copy and paste, do you.

AND I WILL NEVER LOSE FAITH IN MYSELF... I am friggin what I fucking am.

Now coming to the part I like best. There is but one life to be irrevrent, insolent and ungreatful (not to your parents you dumb son/dot of a gun). So here I am as irrevrent and rude as it gets but "very humbly so" lest some dimwit reading this gets offended. Oh by the way if any of you blighters intend on pissing me off make sure you don't leave me breathing after that coz I swear upon my conscience that I will hunt you down and make you pay for it. All of you who know how immoral and unethical I am must be heaving a sigh of relief.... Conscience, immoral... opposites... get it Duh!!! Breathe now....

Heart aches/breaks/throbs and all that...
------------------------------------------

Lubh the most integral and elusive part of my life in India, chugs along just as merrily here. Not that I am getting all hot and bothered about it. Flings and flirts keep me going.... Wham bam thank you for the variety bhagwan...

Btw I prefer ebony to white and you brown ladies out there are the best.... Rock hard... ooops I mean rock on.

"Sumooooooooood what you are writing is pornography. Maybe that is what you are meant to write and not code"... Yes yes yes ... bugger off now before I have to personally come down there and whip your sorry ass.

Woooooooooow feels so good after this blog. Better than the best orgasm I ever had.... So here is to all you ppl out there... Enjoy and have a blast... but don't lose your head (Get it??? Blast... lose your head... har har har me and my jokes).

In spanking fine form,
Sumod

"Err... Sumod I thought you were going to write in bulleted points..."... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

A hair cut and a shave...

Hi all,

This is what I have been saying to people who have been asking "What have been upto?"; "Giving my blog a much required haircut and a shave."

Some stuff that I have put on the blog includes email subscription to the blog feed:

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

All you need to do now to subscribe to the Utopian Dream is to make your way to the dark green sidebar of the page and subscribe to the email feed. Alternatively you can subscribe to the feed on your MyYahoo, iGoogle or get it messaged to your phone using Pulsmo; all links given in the sidebar, below the shoutbox.

Also added a reader count chicklet just below the profile information to keep track of the number of subscribers to the blog.

So do subscribe to receive updates as soon as I blog. :-) Thanks guys and of course the gals!!!

The requiem of an advancing goalkeeper

I stand here transfixed, like one of those vampires from a B-grade Dracula flick, who just had a stake driven through the heart or whatever it is that vampires keep in their breast pockets. The only difference being that, in my favorite blue jersey, pair of black shorts, brand new Pike studs and gloves, I am way too abundantly clad to resemble one of those white sheets of horror in their birthday suits. Inside I feel just as pale and hollow. Through the cobwebs in my brain I see the advancing striker who to my clouded mind bears a stark resemblance to that sinful hero from Van Helsing, his name escapes me now. It does not matter, nothing intelligible is registering anyways. Every step he takes just doubles the weight causing that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The only word that bounces off the walls of my skull and dives back into my brain like the hangover of a bad vocabulary test is Déjà vu.

It can’t be happening again. The colors and layers that make up the landscape seem to fall apart like bricks under the onslaught of a wrecking ball, only give way to scenes from another day. I feel like I have been teleported back in time, to the match against Al Brahrim. I had gotten to know just before the start of the match that I was going to be presented with the award for the league’s MVP (Most Valuable Player). My team regardless of the results of today’s match had been crowned league champions. Boundless joy jumped up and down in the confines of my brain and just like today but under extremely different circumstances; nothing was registering in the mind. The game seemed headed for a dull goalless draw thanks to some spineless display from the forwards of both the teams. Both my counterpart and I were having an easy day at office if one could say so about a goalkeeper’s job. Deep into injury time I began to unwind and my already meandering mind seemed to take off into another dimension. There I pictured myself receiving the MVP award with the love of my life cheering me from the stands as I winked at her and blew her a kiss to serve as a reminder for what was in store later. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Al Brahrim’s star striker Wadghi Al Kebib start to make a powerful run with the ball. Shutting out the delicious thoughts wiggling around in my mind I focused on the job at hand.

Al Kebib was the very best the league had to offer. At 6 ft 1 inch he was just about the perfect height for a striker and his lightening speed was enough to strike terror in the hearts of the best defenders and goalkeepers. No not me, I knew that I was prepared. I was considered one of those natural goalkeepers who shared an unique bond with the football. It seemed to follow me, literally do hysterics in the air to reach me not quite unlike the iron filings attracted by a powerful magnet. Back in the field it was a two on one situation, two of my best defenders against the best center forward in the league. The hunter was being stalked. Not for long though. He sold a dummy to the first defender and it soon looked like he was going to outrun the other defender. I didn’t want to make my move yet, let him come a bit closer. He was almost at the top of the box when I realized that it was now or never. It was the best opportunity to claim the ball as my own. I burst off my line, just as the second defender lunged forward desperately only to tackle thin air, as it was up to me now. I closed in on him alert of any attempt from him to chip the ball over my head at the slightest chance. I stumbled letting my guard down for a split second. That was all he needed; there he was going for the chip.

I regained my composure just as his foot made contact with the ball. To the horror of the home fans he had miscued the shot. Instead of sailing comfortably over my head, the ball almost apologetically dipped towards my feet, as the collective sound of thousands of people dejectedly slumping back into their seats emanated from the stands. I bent down gleefully with open arms to welcome the ball like one welcomes a lover who had a bad day at work being kicked around by people around him/her. This ill-fated love was however destined to go unrequited. The adulterous lover of a ball hit a bump in the ground and found its way through the gap between my legs and rolled over the dreaded white line to snuggle comfortably in the corner of the net far away from my reach. I was left rooted in an utterly awkward position, bent over and watching the ball through the gap it had so evidently left. The crowd erupted, but wait over those euphoric cries of the fanatical supporters I could hear another sound. Peals of laughter made their way to my ears completing my humiliation. Video clips of my slip up would be played over and over again in the days to come and autopsies conducted by the pundits of TRP hungry sports broadcasters; on why I had missed. It didn’t really matter though; nothing intelligible was registering in my mind anyways.

I close my eyes to try and refocus on the task at hand. Just yesterday my agent had told me that Real Arizona United, the best football club in the world had finally agreed to a 5 year $20 million contract. I was elated, I was rich and I was going to play for my dream club. Everything is just perfect, way too perfect. I open my eyes to see that Van Helsing, let’s call him that till I recall his name, has already dodged two defenders and is about to outpace the third. I have to leave my line and move forward to try and thwart his attempt. My body wants to move but I am rooted to the spot. Any super glue manufacturers who see me now will immediately sign me on for one of their commercials. Shrugging off the last defender Van unleashes a powerful shot. I dive instinctively, thankfully in the right direction. There is too much swerve on the ball, I am not going to get to it, I should have moved forward, but what if the ball had refused to come into my grasp again. An indecision I am going to regret or is it. Is there too much swerve on the ball, looks like there is a chance it might miss the net. It doesn’t really matter does it? I had not shown the guts to advance. Nothing else matters now and nothing intelligible is registering in my mind anyways.

Some equations....

Dominant force - Underhand tactics = Not so dominant after all.

Indian team spirit * Strong captain at the helm = Come thumbs up down under

World champion team / Soul searching = Looking up Kaptain Kumble's number

Talented youth + Time tested experience = Winning Combination

Salaam India :-)
Sumod