Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Adios Amigos...

Feeling defeated,
Like I have been shift-deleted.
Looks like I have been erased,
From the minds I thought had cared.

Have been taking a lot of shit,
Standing right back up after each hit.
Don’t know how much longer I can take it,
Every time I feel like I am pushing the limit.

I have been refusing to give in,
My patience wearing ever so thin.
The way people keep blowing me off,
Like they are the rice and me the chaff.

I don’t even know why I am bothering,
Maybe I should just let everybody do their own thing.
Maybe I should just put and end to this strife,
And do what someone once said “Sumod, go get a life.”

Loneliness is a bitch (ok before the women’s lobby comes out with banners and placards I apologize to all the bitches I know… Oops I mean, to all the ladies I know). I have never felt loneliness; at-least never realized it till the 24th year of my existence. Getting emotionally attached to someone is a strict no – no for me, and I say this purely out of experience. An ex-active promoter of the cause of limitless friendship I have through my own trials and tribulations (and also from the experiences of others) realized that once you let someone into your head, heart or life knowingly or like in most cases unknowingly then you are in for a roller coaster ride. You are unwittingly drawn into a cesspool of emotions which you never even knew existed, the likes of which you find yourself totally ill equipped to handle (especially if before that point of time you used to be one of those cold emotionless @#$&^* like me). I must thank my stars that I didn’t ever get completely swept away and had one foot firmly planted on the ground which prevented me from falling down on my backside (which is huge and strong like the restof me in case you were wondering) and making a complete fool out of myself. From now on I am keeping the words limitless and friendship at a distance from each other, a distance that tends really close to infinity.

In this world of hitherto uncharted emotions I am all at sea and flailing my arms in a hopelessly desperate (redundant use of superlatives just to give you a feel of how screwed up it really is) attempt to stay afloat. I feel like a convict fresh out of prison trying to socialize with people from the so called “genteel” world. I feel so ready to slip back into the easy camaraderie of the hard core criminals I left behind, so ready to repeat the crime I once committed or to commit some new crime just to feel the warmth of my cold cell once again.

I had successfully disappeared without a trace once, now I find myself gearing up to do the same thing again. Solitude and me go back a long way and now it looks like we are going to be back together again and pick up on our affair from where we had left off. Now don’t mistake my solitude for loneliness. In those times I had my heart and mind in one place (with me), now I find myself stuck in the center with my mind wanting me to go one way and my heart pulling me the other way. Solitude will in all probability put an end to this horrible conflict that has been rocking my boat for some time now. Solitude does not mean that I am going to shut myself up in some dingy room with just books for company or go to some uninhabited island with just coconut trees (though the mallu in me is singing "goin crazy, crazy about coconuts") for company. Solitude for me means what I am thinking stays strictly in my own head. I will be hard-nosed, hardheaded and hard of hearing to everything other than what I feel strictly interests me. Enough of being Mr. Good Guy a.k.a Mr. Door Mat a.k.a Mr. Toilet Paper. The only emotion I will wear is one of perpetual irritation.

Till when is this going to go on? Till whatever amount of time I want it to go on for. Till I feel that the world or someone in this world is savvy enough to handle my emotions. A lot will change by the time I re-emerge into this world, hopefully for the better. Till then it’s adios to all you amigos.

P.S: These are not the feelings of the author. The author is looking at the world from the eyes of a "good guy". Those who know (or atleast think that they know) the author personally will vouch for the fact that author is actually far from being a good guy... :D Had written this about a month back i think.

6 comments:

Ramakanth said...

Most of us live two lives, one in this world pretending to be friendly with all the people (both good and horrendous) around and another in our own selves, private and completely cut off from the world...
And in some cases it so happens that we start liking the latter more...
Your post reminds me of those many a loney times I spend alone in my room ruminating about my past, future or in some cases nothing... There is a strange sense of peace and frustration in those moments...

But dude... all said and done I guess there will be enough time (eternity) after our death to stay in that phase...
Now that you are alive try to mix with all sorts of people connect (both physically and mentally ;)) with them and make memories to reflect upon later...

sumod_talking said...

@Ramakanth

The problem with the subject is that he has too many overwhelming memories :D

anywayz i'll let him sort out his differences in solitude... He knows best rite ;)

Anonymous said...

Loneliness is a pain, buddy and everyone goes thru this phase. U crave for someone To understand u and ur surge of emotions. But then its just a phase and everyone surely finds a way out of it :)
In general, we all get emotionally attached to people, at some point or other.
We are attached to our families, sometimes to our relatives also.
But the kind of feelings u have for YOUR one, stands apart from all the above mentioned tangles. It is something everyone HAS to experience and Believe me, u will love it.
One should not run away from this bliss, mind you, Only if u r sure about the other person and do know him/her completely.
I personally feel its better to get attached to ONE dear person
and experience the magic rather than having a group of people, with
whom u really are not connected and maintain them, just for the sake of it.

sumod_talking said...

@annonymous (though i know who u are i think i will respect ur annonimity :p)

First of all one thing i can make out is that this is experience speaking :D

The craving u are talking about is the thing which i want to free myself of, the craving to have someone who will understand me. I dont wanna care about being misunderstood/understood and misinterpreted.

Anonymous said...

U wudnt need to bother abt being misundrstood etc.. Things will fall in place automatically with the Right one :)
As I already said, U definitely are missing smthing if u dnt want it and want to go into oblivion :)
But ya, secretly, i Do hope theres someone sitting on ur cute head and pissing u off always, not let go off u ;)

sumod_talking said...

yuck at the very gross description of someone sitting on my head and pissing :D ooops i mean pissing me off :p