Like I have been shift-deleted.
Looks like I have been erased,
From the minds I thought had cared.
Have been taking a lot of shit,
Standing right back up after each hit.
Don’t know how much longer I can take it,
Every time I feel like I am pushing the limit.
I have been refusing to give in,
My patience wearing ever so thin.
The way people keep blowing me off,
Like they are the rice and me the chaff.
I don’t even know why I am bothering,
Maybe I should just let everybody do their own thing.
Maybe I should just put and end to this strife,
And do what someone once said “Sumod, go get a life.”
Loneliness is a bitch (ok before the women’s lobby comes out with banners and placards I apologize to all the bitches I know… Oops I mean, to all the ladies I know). I have never felt loneliness; at-least never realized it till the 24th year of my existence. Getting emotionally attached to someone is a strict no – no for me, and I say this purely out of experience. An ex-active promoter of the cause of limitless friendship I have through my own trials and tribulations (and also from the experiences of others) realized that once you let someone into your head, heart or life knowingly or like in most cases unknowingly then you are in for a roller coaster ride. You are unwittingly drawn into a cesspool of emotions which you never even knew existed, the likes of which you find yourself totally ill equipped to handle (especially if before that point of time you used to be one of those cold emotionless @#$&^* like me). I must thank my stars that I didn’t ever get completely swept away and had one foot firmly planted on the ground which prevented me from falling down on my backside (which is huge and strong like the restof me in case you were wondering) and making a complete fool out of myself. From now on I am keeping the words limitless and friendship at a distance from each other, a distance that tends really close to infinity.
In this world of hitherto uncharted emotions I am all at sea and flailing my arms in a hopelessly desperate (redundant use of superlatives just to give you a feel of how screwed up it really is) attempt to stay afloat. I feel like a convict fresh out of prison trying to socialize with people from the so called “genteel” world. I feel so ready to slip back into the easy camaraderie of the hard core criminals I left behind, so ready to repeat the crime I once committed or to commit some new crime just to feel the warmth of my cold cell once again.
I had successfully disappeared without a trace once, now I find myself gearing up to do the same thing again. Solitude and me go back a long way and now it looks like we are going to be back together again and pick up on our affair from where we had left off. Now don’t mistake my solitude for loneliness. In those times I had my heart and mind in one place (with me), now I find myself stuck in the center with my mind wanting me to go one way and my heart pulling me the other way. Solitude will in all probability put an end to this horrible conflict that has been rocking my boat for some time now. Solitude does not mean that I am going to shut myself up in some dingy room with just books for company or go to some uninhabited island with just coconut trees (though the mallu in me is singing "goin crazy, crazy about coconuts") for company. Solitude for me means what I am thinking stays strictly in my own head. I will be hard-nosed, hardheaded and hard of hearing to everything other than what I feel strictly interests me. Enough of being Mr. Good Guy a.k.a Mr. Door Mat a.k.a Mr. Toilet Paper. The only emotion I will wear is one of perpetual irritation.
Till when is this going to go on? Till whatever amount of time I want it to go on for. Till I feel that the world or someone in this world is savvy enough to handle my emotions. A lot will change by the time I re-emerge into this world, hopefully for the better. Till then it’s adios to all you amigos.
P.S: These are not the feelings of the author. The author is looking at the world from the eyes of a "good guy". Those who know (or atleast think that they know) the author personally will vouch for the fact that author is actually far from being a good guy... :D Had written this about a month back i think.